The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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