My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
