if i can run in heels then i can drive
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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