I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
