College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
