the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
