I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
