in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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