I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
