The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
