I wish my penis had an off switch
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
no. you can't hotbox the world.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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