...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
