I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize