I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
