Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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