Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
