Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
