I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He uses pillows to masturbate.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
