You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
