I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
3 2 1 whiskey
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize