I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My cat gives me a boner
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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