I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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