Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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