walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
