The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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