apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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