My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I've blown a few things in my day
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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