You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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