sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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