You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
