I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
