hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
