At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
