why didn't you poke me back
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
