so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
