You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
