he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
