Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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