I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
