Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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