She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize