I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
