6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
