I wish I could teleport
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
