I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
