When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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