Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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