you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
