please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
