he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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