I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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