my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
