Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He? As in you personified your dick?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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