There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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