I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
