We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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