after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
