I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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