I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
