Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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