I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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