Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
