I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
