Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I deserve this hangover.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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