I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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