If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
