just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
