...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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